It’s a situation we have all been in. The berating of a female co-worker, the insensitive demeaning of your child’s fifth-grade teacher, or the vile expletives directed at a random woman in a Safeway parking lot last Tuesday; all examples of an honest distaste for other human beings that some people might mischaracterize as insecure woman-hating.
For David Whittle, a deputy finance director at Pacific Islands Coffee, a similar misunderstanding nearly got him into hot water at work.
Having upset three female co-workers by scoffing at their contributions in Tuesday’s budget meeting, Whittle, who is generally described being a distasteful human being, was mistakenly labeled as a woman-hater by the female members of the marketing department.
Whittle, often labeled as a sexist by the women who know him, created a flurry of outrage within the brand management team at the Chicago-based coffee distribution company when he questioned their ability to get through a problem without getting hysterical.
While attempting to get them to “think straight about their budgets,” he was also reported to have accused the team of having their “hair pulled back so tight, it cut off circulation to their chemically bleached brains.”
Cynthia Reynolds, one of the targets of the verbal assault, immediately set up a meeting with the Human Resources department and filed a complaint on behalf of the other women in the group. It was then that Reynolds was surprised to learn that Whittle despises everybody and does not limit his hate-filled bile to just women.
Upon being informed of her mistaken attribution of chauvinism and sexual discrimination, Reynolds was embarrassed and apologetic.
“Oh dear, I had no idea,” said a red-faced Reynolds. “I almost made a huge mistake, didn’t I?”
According to Howard Regan, the company’s HR manager, there was no need to be alarmed about Whittle’s seemingly focused rage and disrespect.
“He can be a real jackass to most everyone he interacts with,” Regan said, “but he’s relatively harmless and spreads his prejudice and hostility around equally.”
Regan recounted a similar misunderstanding last week when Whittle went off on Trevor from accounting for leaving the spoon drawer open in the break room, releasing a barrage of ethnic slurs not heard since the Chicago Race Riots of 1919.
“I was able to calm Trevor down and point out that David’s just a big prick to pretty much everyone,” Regan said. “Good thing he’s not just a racist, or we’d have a serious lawsuit on our hands.”
Despite Whittle’s constant personal attacks on his co-workers and their distinguishing characteristics, the employees of Pacific Islands Coffee Company were relieved to know that there was no evidence to be found of an endemic presence of sexual, religious, and racial harassment in the workplace, especially not of the kind that would violate Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
