Fueled by Southern Comfort and Bud Light, Rodney Tinsdale built up the necessary courage to call his ex-employer and inform them of the mistake they made when they let him go three weeks ago.
Unable to get anyone to answer the phones at his former job over the weekend, Tinsdale resorted to leaving a half dozen late night drunken messages on the voicemail account of Howard Regan, the Human Resources Manager for the Pacific Islands Coffee Company.
“Pick up! C’mon, pick up! I know you’re there, Howard!” Tinsdale blurted out after breathing into the receiver for 15 seconds. “Oh, you must be out. How have you been? You know we were good together, right?!”
He continued with queries about ”how things were going around the office” and wanted to make sure the Chicago-based coffee distribution company wasn’t just being hysterical when they let him go.
“Do you even miss me even a little b-” Tinsdale asked before being timed out on the message.
The next voicemail was an expletive-filled rant about how they will never find another brand manager who loved the job as much as he did and how they are making a “biiiiig mistake and will be sorry” they dropped him.
The next night’s message included a sobbing apology for his moonlighting on some ad work for a new online food distribution business, admitting that he strayed from his contractual obligations with Pacific Islands.
“I was wrong to get involved with the whole website thing,” said a choked up Tinsdale. “It never meant anything to me and I’ve stopped doing it. . . Please take me back.”
Tinsdale then left a series of messages explaining how he hasn’t found a new job just yet because he was just waiting for the right one to come along and didn’t want to rush into anything right off the rebound.
When he had heard from a friend that Pacific Islands had brought in someone new to replace him, Tinsdale was incensed and immediately left a message with Gary Edwards, the new hire.
“You better not be sitting at my desk!” Tinsdale screamed before hanging up.
His second message to Edwards was more tempered. “Dude, I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s a great job, really. You’d be crazy not to be all over that.”
He continued with an attempt at solidarity and warned Edwards not to fall in love with the job too quickly. “Pacific Islands Coffee will just use you like it used me. It will chew you up and spit you out. Just be careful, man. Be careful.”
Tinsdale also called his former employer’s parent company, Thompson Beverage Group to let them know how much their perfect little organic coffee company has “seriously changed, man. You have no idea.”
On Sunday afternoon, Tinsdale left his last but only sober voicemail to apologize for the things his roommate told him he had said the previous two nights and ended the message with a simple request.
“I think I left some of my CDs and a pair of my gym shorts there at the office, can I just come by to get them?”
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
