Jesus stoned to death at ‘Values Voters’ summit

The long-foretold second coming of Jesus Christ went horribly awry on Saturday at the fifth annual “Values Voters” summit when attendees stoned the Son of God to death. Summit attendees did not like His message of inclusion, compassion and assistance to the poor.

The annual conference is a chance for conservative voters to complain about government intrusion into their lives, as they plan their own ways of intruding into people’s lives should they be able to seize power.

Jesus arrived at the summit wearing sandals and robes, with a ray of sunlight miraculously upon His head within the conference center. As He strode into the main hall, attendees at first applauded the arrival and thought it was a stunt. The crowd became divided as Jesus turned several bottles of water into wine. Some in the audience cheered, while others booed and threw their bottles of “the devil’s elixir” to the floor.

He then floated to the stage and interrupted a speech by former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who was railing against providing health insurance to those who are already sick and comparing it to getting insurance for a home that’s already burned down or a wrecked car.

“Have ye no decency sir? Are not the sick also my children?” Jesus asked a befuddled Huckabee. “Haven’t ye read of Matthew 5:7, ‘blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy?’ “

Jesus then accused Christine O’Donnell, Republican Senate nominee from Delaware, of “bearing false witness” by raising the now-disproved claim that health care reform would lead to “death panels” of bureaucrats deciding who would die. Jesus also took issue with O’Donnell’s claim that anyone who wasn’t conservative was “anti-America.”

“My child you claim to be without sin, yet thou hast lead thine self astray. Thou hast broken my father’s commandments,” Jesus told O’Donnell. “Thou once said thou would not lie, even to protect our Jewish brothers and sisters from mass murder, yet here thee stands a liar and false before me, the Son of God.”

As O’Donnell looked at her prepared speech for a response, Jesus then took issue with a speech by Christian leader Gary Bauer, who told the summit that using religious persecution and fear of Muslims would be crucial to Republican victories in November.

“We are at war with a group that is getting their inspiration from their religious teachings,” Bauer said. “I know it sounds like I’m talking about us, but no I’m talking about those scary Muslims. It’s time for the Islamic world to prove to the rest of the world that they will tolerate religious freedoms, even as we try to deny them their freedoms here in the U.S.”

“Have I not spoken for tolerance of all children of God?” Jesus asked Bauer. “Did not St. Paul decree ‘Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. Give none offense, neither to the Jews, nor to the Gentiles, nor to the church of God?’ He would have added Muslims to that list but they weren’t around then. Peace be upon them, for they are my brothers and unto them I am a prophet.”

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich received perhaps the most scorn from the Son of God. In an earlier speech, Gingrich told attendees that a Democratic “secular socialist machine” was threatening “the survival of America as we know it.”

Gingrich, an admitted adulterer, cheated on his first wife and served her divorce papers while she was recovering from chemotherapy. Gingrich also cheated on his second wife with a Congressional aide, whom he later married, even as he was attacking then-President Bill Clinton for the Monica Lewinsky affair.

“Some might say that a serial adulterer and hypocrite like myself has no business speaking at a ‘family values’ summit,” Gingrich said. “Let’s just ignore all that so I can scare you about Islam and claim that Muslims want to impose Sharia law in the U.S. Obviously that would be impossible as it would violate the First Amendment, but I bet you folks are gullible enough to fall for it. If anyone is going to impose their narrow religious views on the U.S. it’s going to be us.”

“Judge not lest ye be judged,” Jesus said to Gingrich. “I have spread out my hands all the day unto a rebellious people, which walketh in a way that was not good, after their own thoughts; A people that provoketh me to anger continually to my face; which say, Stand by thyself, come not near to me; for I am holier than thou. These are a smoke in my nose, a fire that burneth all the day. Isaiah 65: 2-3, 5.”

Jesus then addressed the crowd, chiding those who claim to take the Bible literally while ignoring key passages out of convenience.

“Thou who claim to follow the word of God, are ye not selective upon its passages?” Jesus said. “Matthew 19:21 commands ‘if you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven’ yet who can say that this hast been done?”

When no one in the crowd spoke, Jesus continued his recitation of Bible passages:

“But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just,” [Luke 14:13 &14.].

“Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions,” [Luke 12.15.].

“Truly, I say unto you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven,” [Matthew 19:23].

After a moment of silence, the crowd turned ugly with people calling the Son of God an “un-American” a “communist” and a “socialist.” Jesus then tried to leave the stadium as attendees hurled curses and threw items at him. It’s not clear who cast the first stone, but before the Son of God could reach the exit a stone to the head knocked him to the ground as more rocks were set upon him.

As attendees left the hall, all of those approached by reporters denied having been at the hall or at the summit itself, despite wearing summit identification badges and buttons that declared “holier than thou,” “it’s my job to judge others, not the other way around,” and “I distort the Bible to fit my self-defined principals.”

Washington D.C. police and the FBI said their investigation of the event will be hampered by the fact that Jesus’ body was no longer beneath the pile of stones when they were removed hours later.

The archangel Gabriel said God was not immediately available for comment, but indicated she would not be pleased.

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Marcus Manfred Marcus Manfred is an enigma. A simple and complex man who was raised by wolves in the lower upper part of the eastern west. He is more than you think and less than you know. He is the solution to every question you have ever asked, as long as the answer is three.