Scott Jacobson, lone sheriff in the unincorporated town of Baileys Harbor, WI, says he’s seen a lot of crime during his tenure, but nothing quite as heinous as the recent surge in littering.
“I hate to use the term insidious,” says Jacobson, 27, “but there’s no other way to say it. Clearly, we’re dealing with a syndicate, a litter-ati, if you will.”
Sheriff Jacobson says the increase began about a year ago, only his second year as sheriff in the lakeside town. First it was a few extra aluminum cans sprinkled along the roadside. Then it was the rolls of toilet paper and baby diapers thrown under the park swings. A few well-planned stakeouts turned up nothing.
“They were like ghosts,” recalls the sheriff.
On a hunch, Jacobson checked out the local grocer, seeking to connect items on the shelf to items used during the crime. Unfortunately, the store had restocked the shelves earlier that day.
“These guys were good,” says Jacobson. “They had Ed’s grocery store stocking schedule down pat. It was another dead end.”
Months passed with no viable leads. Jacobson grew increasingly irritable with family and friends, his hair grayed prematurely, and insomnia became a nightly routine.
Then at last there was a break in the case.
After picking up a flurry of shredded loose leaf paper at the old town fountain, Jacobson discovered a wallet-sized school yearbook photo. It had been ripped in half, leaving the person’s face—and identity—a mystery. But closer inspection revealed writing on the back, which read, “[ripped away] great summer! XXOO – Sarah.”
“Needless to say, my secretary Darlene and I were ecstatic,” says the young sheriff. “It blew the case wide open.”
Though he’s yet to identify the shadowy Sarah character, Jacobson believes now it’s only a matter of time. And he has a warning for those litterers responsible.
“Your days are numbered, my friend,” says Jacobson. “You got sloppy. And after I get to this ‘Sarah,’ I’m coming for you, you can believe that. And there won’t be any XXOOs.”
Andy is a writer, comedian and human in the greater Chicagoland area. He enjoys writing, comedianing and humaning. His other endeavors includes jokes on 
