Democrats pledge to be less well-read, more American by next election cycle

 With poll numbers sagging and economic news worsening in the summer months, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) is increasingly desperate in its attempt to retain control of Congress and the nation’s Governors’ mansions in this years midterm elections. In fact, an email leaked this week from DNC Chairman Tim Kaine reflects a bold new strategy. The text of the email is reprinted below.

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From: Kaine, Tim

To: Democratic Congressional Candidates; Democratic Gubernatorial Candidates

Cc: Obama, Barack; Biden, Joe; Emanuel, Rahm

Subject: NEW POLICY: STOP READING FOR FUN!! 

Candidates –

We’re gearing up for the stretch run to November, and I’m sounding the high alerts: Things are not looking good. In fact, unless something changes, there could be a third degree shit storm headed our way.

Each week our polling numbers are getting worse, and whether it’s Obama on the Ground Zero Mosque, or Pelosi on Health Care, or Dodd on the economy, all voters are hearing is that we’re out of touch with the average American. As head of the DNC, it’s my job to ask why!

So I thought about it…and I thought about it….and I thought about it….and then it occurred to me, thinking is our whole damn problem! It’s the reason we’re out of touch: We think too much, and the average American barely thinks at all! We need to go with our gut!

In particular, you brainiacs need to stop reading all the f’ing time!

Here’s a perfect example. Last week I’m in Chicago doing some fundraising with Quinn, Gutierrez, Foster and Giannoulias. We’re in a limo zipping from some Lincoln Park brownstone to a swanky hotel fundraiser, and I’ll be damned if the first thing those geeks didn’t do was bust out a book so they could crank out a couple pages on the ride.

I mean, it’s as clear as cranberry pie: These guys can’t relate to voters if they’re spending all their free time exploring literature that brings to life dark, hidden corners of the world, or delving into journalism and philosophy that introduces ideas and recaps experiences that the average American hardly even know exists.

I mean, do the math! When Pat Quinn spends his nights with his nose buried in Angela’s Ashes, he’s going to absorb the hardships of the American immigrant experience. Well then, is it any surprise that he’s out of touch with voters on border control policies? Is it a shock that he doesn’t join the majority of Americans in thinking that the solution to our immigration crisis is to round illegals up and ship ‘em out? Of course not! He’s too damn intelligent for that!

Same deal with Gutierrez. The man devours Zinn and Chomsky all weekend, and people wonder why he comes off as opposed to the War in Afghanistan?? Well, it’s probably because he’s reading historical accounts of the limitations of foreign nation building and digesting the ugly lessons learned from American imperialism in the early 20^th century. Obviously he doesn’t want to repeat history’s mistakes! What well-informed person would? But do you think Palin’s Mama Grizzlies know anything about that??

And don’t get me going on Foster. We wonder why voters think that we want to turn America into a Western European country. Well every time they see guys like Bill, he’s carrying around a dog eared copy of some Proust classic. AMERICANS DON’T READ PROUST BILL!!

Thank God for Giannoulias. If I hadn’t caught him thumbing through a copy of Sports Illustrated for Kids, I would’ve felt like we were totally hopeless.

So here’s the deal. The average American reads for seven minutes a day, so from now till November, none of you are reading for a second more than that. I don’t give a shit if it takes you guys till March to finish the Updike trilogy you’re currently working on, if you want to taste victory come Thanksgiving, you’re going to need to spend the fall getting in touch with the Joe Six Pack within you.

 “How do we reconnect with the average American, Tim?” you’re probably asking.

Well here’s a start: Watch some reality TV!

The Biggest Loser, Dog the Bounty Hunter, American Idol…I don’t give a shit. They all fuckin’ stink, but they’re popular as hell, so give them a go anyways.

I’m serious about this. Stop reading nerds!

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