God I just love Chicago.
It sure is a great place to live and work, Chicago is, I could go on and on forever about how whiz-bang it is here.
I love the wind, it is a very pleasant wind, it is a wind farted in our direction by Gary, you know that asshole over in Indiana.
I love the smells wafting in from the Blommer Chocolate Company. The smell is a great smell so long as you do not mind throwing up in the mornings.
The deep dish pizza is great too, much better than that skinny shit you get in New York. Deep dish is for normal people. Thin crust is for anorexics.
I love walking on the sidewalks on rainy days and getting sprayed by the cars here. It is my favorite thing to do here.
I love listening to taxis honk at me, it’s good that they’re letting me know I need a ride because if they didn’t honk I would not know that I needed a ride.
Helpful illustration for taxi drivers to determine which people need rides:
I really love it when bikers ride on the sidewalks while I’m getting sprayed by cars and listening to taxis honk at me, those sidewalk bikers are great because they give me something else to get distracted by, which is good because walking on a sidewalk would be very bromidic without the distractions. Look it up you fuckers.
I love it when cars honk at me when I’m riding my bike, which I ride on the road, not on the sidewalk, because I am really hoping to get doored one of these days.
This would be okay too though.
I also enjoy the great cell phone coverage, except for in a few places where nobody goes, like River North and Lincoln Park. I work in River North. I live in Lincoln Park. But of course I never go to either one of those places.
In Chicago we have the world’s most impressive skyline, we have very tall buildings, most of which look pretty average, except for one that looks like a vagina. This is what I love about Chicago, we have a giant vagina in our skyline, I guess they put it there to make sure all the surrounding penes stay nice and erect.
Whore.
I enjoy reading in the news about people who jump off our tall buildings to decorate our sidewalks with splatter, God what creative artists they are, when am I ever going to see one of those guys at work. Someday soon hopefully. I do appreciate fine art.
(Gruesome image removed due to excessive blood and gore. –Editor)
It’s great fun when it snows here, yes indeed.
We have cold and snow here for about thirteen months every year, and then we have about three months of tropical heat. The only mild months are September and May, those months are okay.
I love riding the overcrowded buses to work. The overcrowded trains are good too. It’s very exciting to ride the Red Line when there’s a Cubs game. Cubs fans on the train are more numerous than chunks of goose shit on the lakeshore. Yes I certainly do love riding the train with Cubs fans.
In fact I just really love the CTA, in an overall kind of way, the CTA is very boss.
Yes the CTA is a blast, I feel especially honored to share the same rail cars with dried urine.
Pictured: a dried urine attempting to communicate.
I also appreciate how that pre-recorded voice repeats announcements at every stop. What a smart idea, recording announcements like that to entertain riders with the exact same information every day. This is the exact same information as the last sentence. The exact same information. It’s the same. Not gonna change. This information is exactly the same. It’s not different. It’s the same. Exactly the same. Yes indeed.
The CTA is great because I get to read moist copies of yesterday’s Red Eye and also the graffiti is nice to look at.
Also, some of the more psychotic passengers remind me of that horrific laughing clown video display in the Art Institute’s modern wing. You saw that one, right? I laughed uncontrollably for about eight minutes when I saw that. They filmed that on the CTA.
If I had ideas for how to make this city better to live in I would share them with you immediately but there is really no way to make things any better, nope.
Fuck the Sears Tower. Fuck Comiskey Park. Fuck Meigs Field. This is Chicago, dammit. We do what we want.
What I think I love the most about Chicago is the government people, I love their candor and how they know all the rules so good.
Someday I will know the rules that good and understand how to make them work for me.
Someday I am going to be in the Chicago governments and then I will show how good I can be at making changes without asking anyone first.
Oh my God. It's a severed hand trying to steal the mayor's testicle.
I guess I just really love Chicago, and I am hoping I can live here until I die, which will probably happen.
If you are reading this and have not been to Chicago yet, you need to visit immediately, it is a great place. If you live here already I am sorry for inviting you to visit, you can come drink beer at my place if you feel ripped off.
There is no beer at my place right now so you will have to bring some.
Local only, please, none of that Milwaukee crap.
brandt stepped out of apartment one day got hit by untouchable tours bus wrote sad sad sonnet about it developed writing addiction started blog stopped it started it again then stopped it developed whiskey addiction flew on plane to brazil to live in jungle and find meaning of life found dead guy flew back to chicago freelanced for awhile wrote some satire smoked cigar got job and settled down like frog legs in hot frying pan
