A recent study sponsored by the American Automobile Association concluded that texting while driving causes dogs to crash their vehicles 100% of the time. This finding stands in sharp contrast with the 98% of dogs who crash vehicles while driving without distractions.
The danger of dogs texting while driving (or “Rexting” as it is sometimes called) is fairly recent. It has been a common sight for many years to see dogs hanging their heads out of open car windows with their ears flapping in the breeze. More recently, however, dog owners have allowed their four-legged friends to take the wheel while they put on makeup, talk on the telephone, eat breakfast or prepare for an important social engagement. Add the distraction of communicating via mobile messenging, and even the sharpest labrador retriever or Jack Russell terrier can become a menace on the road.
“Clearly, dogs, automobiles and texting are a dangerous mix,” said Sgt. Brian Topel, manager of the safety education unit of the Illinois State Police. “You can pretty much guarantee that there is going to be an accident if a canine is driving a car and he decides to respond to a text message.”
This particular study is the first of its kind to tackle this controversial subject. In it, scientists from the University of Illinois-Chicago placed a variety of dogs behind the wheel of a specially-equipped Cadillac Escalade. Once the dogs managed to start the vehicle and step on the accelerator, a flirtatious text message stating that “I want to sniff your hiney” was sent to a cell phone strategically placed next to the dog on the passenger seat. Scientists discovered that within three seconds of sending the text message, the Cadillac Escalade invariably ran off the road as the canine driver attempted to type a response to the irresistible message using only its nose and forepaws.
“We used to say that letting a dog drive drunk was the surest way of getting into accident,” said Sgt. Topel. “But giving Fido a cell phone increases the probability of an accident dramatically, by at least 1%.”
Sometimes, this combination can have deadly results.
This past Sunday, Dr. Frank Ryan, a famous Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, died when his Jeep veered off the Pacific Coast Highway. Early reports were that Ryan, 50, was texting about his border collie Jill, when the accident occurred, although there are rumblings that the police report was incorrect. Suspicions that this might be another case of “rexting” were strengthened when the actual text was discovered to read: “Here I am surveying the view from atop the sand dune. Aarf!”
“If you’re going to let your dog get behind the wheel, at least take away his cell phone,” said David Angus, spokesman for AAA of Illinois, Indiana and Wisconsin. “A dog’s full and undivided attention should be on the road.”
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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“I want to sniff your hiney!” If I had a nickel for every time I received that text…