Despite playing the worst golf of his career over recent weeks, Tiger Woods enters this weekend’s PGA Championships at Whistling Straights Golf Club in Kohler, Wisconsin confident in his chances to take home his 5th Wannamaker Trophy.
At last month’s British Open at the Royal St. Andrew’s Golf Club, a course he has historically dominated, the world’s #1 golfer flamed out over the weekend with over par rounds of 73 and 72 to limp into a t-23 finish, extending his majorless drought to nine tournaments.
Despite all this, Tiger’s inner circle says that the golfer is poised to bounce back this week.
“We’re in fucking Wisconsin, man!” exclaimed Tiger’s longtime caddy Stevie Williams. “Tiger is wired to thrive here – I mean, you can’t spin around in this state without spotting a bangable Denny’s waitress. Up here, when you fall out of bed, you land on a Grand Slam breakfast!”
Numerous sources close to Tiger explain that as the golfer’s divorce negotiations with soon-to-be ex-wife Elin Nordegren proceed, his psyche is fragile, and that he is more reliant than ever on “comfort activities,” such as his ritual of jogging and lifting weights, watching his favorite movie, Caddyshack, and banging slightly-past-their peak chain restaurant waitresses.
“Tiger just couldn’t get his mind right at the British,” explained long time friend and former tour player Notah Begay III. “Where he is in his life right now, we all realize now that playing in Europe is a mistake: It’s just got too much local character, and too many independently owned coffee shops and pubs. If he’s going to achieve the focus he needs to win major titles right now, Tiger needs the feminine touch of Americana.”
As Tiger wrapped up his final practice round Wednesday, Williams and Begay were spotted by locals dining at the Calumet Dr. Denny’s in nearby Sheboygan, Wisonsin. The two men were reportedly seen talking closely to Vanessa Moore, a 35 year old divorcee and mother of two, who is known around town for finishing as second runner up for Hoover High School Homecoming Queen, class of ’94. Included in the tip they left her was a key to Tiger’s room.
Perhaps the world’s #1 player has all he needs to bounce back.
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
Holy crap! Nice work.