A routine City Council meeting quickly descended into an alcohol-fueled altercation Wednesday as council members attempted to discuss a new plan to grant 24-7 liquor licenses to a number of restaurants at O’Hare and Midway airports.
The plan, which cleared committees Tuesday, was originally pushed by Mayor Richard Daley in an attempt to improve the experience of travelers accustomed to world-class airports that offer passengers cheap alcohol to spice up long layovers.
Several aldermen had previously complained that the proposed $1,000 license fee was too low and should be inflated to help replenish the city’s cash-strapped Free Alcohol for Chicago Politicians Endowment.
In an effort to win over dissenting council members, Daley had announced that a special pushcart loaded with choice liquors would be made available during Wednesday’s meeting.
However, because most council members arrived early to “test drive” the pushcart and were soused from the start, the meeting collapsed into disorder about halfway through the Pledge of Allegiance when Daley and City Clerk Miguel del Valle got into an argument about exactly how a drunken Scottish pilot would pronounce the phrase “under God.”
Ensuing debates about airport liquor licenses eventually led to Ald. Ray Suarez, 31st, braining Ald. Robert Fioretti, 2nd, with an empty bottle of Glenlivet single malt.
“Give me pushcarts at O’Hare or give me death,” Suarez screamed. He then proceeded to bellow out a few lines from Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar On Me while dumping sweet vermouth on the mayor’s head and trying unsuccessfully to light it.
Fioretta, who kept telling a vacant office chair that “this city damn well needs some higher license fees,” wiped blood from his eyes and began stacking up empty rocks glasses in the shape of the Pritzker Pavilion, which was quickly and unceremoniously bombed by olives spewed from del Valle’s mouth.
“I love blue,” del Valle said while peering intently at a Bombay Sapphire bottle. “I just can’t believe how much I love the color blue.”
Although the council failed to come to a final decision on the plan, several new proposals for Chicago airports were advanced, including mandatory eight drink minimums for all pilots, free beer tickets for airline passengers, and drinking age exemptions at both O’Hare and Midway.
The meeting was officially adjourned when del Valle hopped out the second floor window of City Hall to “see what that damn siren’s all about.”
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