Embattled BP CEO Tony Hayward will step down as chief executive of the global oil giant and be moved to an administrative position at the BP gas station located at 4300 South State Street in Chicago. The announcement ends weeks of speculation on the fate of the troubled executive who oversaw the firm’s highly-criticized response to the Gulf oil spill.
“This should not be seen as a punitive decision,” said Alistair Moore, a spokesperson for the company’s board of directors who announced the position change. “It is standard corporate practice that when a chief executive oversees a loss of over $30 billion as quickly and as publicly as Mr. Hayward, difficult leadership decisions must be made. In this case, we felt it best to move him to a position where his unique skillset can be most appreciated.”
At his new post, Hayward’s primary duties will include unclogging toilets, ensuring that the latest editions of “Barely Legal” and “Juggs” magazines are prominently displayed and waking vagrants who fall asleep on the bench in front of the station. He will be reporting to the station’s senior manager, Justin Beauregard, a former shrimp boat captain who recently relocated to the area from Metarie, Louisiana after fishing lanes in that area became contaminated with oil.
“I thought about starting Tony on Slush Puppie detail,” Beauregard said. “But then I remembered that he’s not very good at cleaning things up.”
Bookies at London’s Ladbrokes gambling emporium are currently quoting 3:1 odds that in his new position, Hayward will be either shot or stabbed before the end of the year. According to one bookmaker, a large wager has already been placed that Hayward will be garroted by an unknown assailant and left to die inside an abandoned building before Thanksgiving.
Other observers from the local community are more sanguine.
“Big Tone has already proven to the world that he knows how to fuck things up,” said Antoine Martin, a member of the Mafia Insane Vice Lords street gang who regularly loiters in a park across the street. “We think he’ll fit right in.”
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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