Over the course of many months, NSA analysts interecepted a number of email communications between recently accused Russian spy Anna Chapman and Russian intelligence officials. This morning, one of her last emails was provided to the website WikiLeaks. The full text of her email is reprinted below.
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Commander,
I cannot write for very much tonight – Dancing With the Stars starts in six minutes, and if I do not watch the program, I will have nothing to speak about at the cooler of water tomorrow at my work.
I have updates for me to tell to you.
Partly, I have good news to report. My immersion into American culture is becoming more. I am starting to really be a hot 26 year old American lady. I wear the big, fake Gucci sunglasses to the clubs; I love the Black Eyed Peas (let’s get retarded in here!); and most importantly, last weekend I went home and did sex with a boy in Ed Hardy t-shirt. He bought me a bomb of Jaeger, told me all about his routine of lifting weights and then stuck his tongue into my mouth – it was darling American romance 
!!
Partly, I have bad news to report. I am having a great trouble at getting the useful intelligence from the Americans. They are quite clever in the way they avoid giving me information. I talk to many people, but all they want to talk about is nonsense. They speak about the recipes for the great summer bar-b-q that they learn on the Good Morning America program, the Natalie Holloway murder story (so wimpy by Russian standards!), and the sitcom comedy program Two and One Half of a Man.
When I bring up the topics that are not frivilous, the subjects you have told me to gain intelligence about, like foreign trade deficits, global currency rate manipulations and long-time troop commitment to Southwest Asia, the Americans pretend to be too dumb to provide intelligence to me. They pretend like they have never heard about the things about which I am talking. They look at me like I am alien. I think this is their way of avoiding my question. Hopefully they do not know that I am spy.
These Americans are crafty bunch, feigning ignorance about important topics while babbling about celebrity gossip and other items of stupidity. I will crack them though.
My Lean Pockets are now cooked in microwave and ready to eat. I must go.
xoxo,
Anna
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
I knew I’d love this. Nice work.
This is a 10! Completely captures our culture (or lack thereof). Loved it.
I have good news and bad news. Good news-Of all the leaked spy emails I have ever read, this is surely one! Good work. Bad news-
P.s.now we have to kill you