FEMA releases preparation guide for an extinction-sized meteorite impact

WASHINGTON — The thought of an approaching meteor the size of Manhattan is certain to cause anyone a fair amount of anxiety.  However, you can provide some level of comfort to your family by attempting to prepare for this once-in-a-billion-year event.

Small objects are constantly colliding with the earth every day and most go unnoticed as they disintigrate in the atmosphere or fall harmlessly in the ocean or unpopulated areas.   While it is extremely rare for large meteors to cross Earth’s orbit, one can never be too prepared for “the big one”.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency has released simple recommendations that will guide you in avoiding the apocalyptic devastation that astronomers tell us is not just a matter of “if” but rather “quite possibly any day now. . .I mean, you never know”.

This excerpt from FEMA’s guide on Preparing for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact should help you get ready for the earth shaking impact and the complete destruction to follow:

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Preparing for an Extinction-sized Meteorite Impact – A FEMA Guide to your Health and Safety

In advance of any death raining down from the heavens, Government agencies may issue health and safety advisories as well as recommend how you can best prepare for the impending annihilation of all sentient life.

If you have any questions or concerns, you should contact your local or state emergency management department and pay close attention to the important instructions conveyed through their panicked screams.

Here are some tips for riding out the all-encompassing devastation.

  • Be sure to stay indoors. The great majority of injuries during such an impact are cuts and abrasions caused by flying shards of the meteorite as well as huge chunks of earthly debris.  Additionally, expect a fair amount of incineration from the molten planetary crust raining back down from the skies.
  • Make certain that you collect all essential medications –both prescription and over the counter– for your emergency kit.  You will then be able to adequately sedate or induce a state of detached euphoria for you and your family to ride out the destruction of all of humanity.
  • The need for eye protection is a myth created by opportunistic scam artists trying to sell you something.  The resulting fireball from the impact will likely be beyond the horizon so you’ll be safe from any immediate thermal damage to your eyes.  However, you’ll want to reinforce windows and doors to guard against the 1,000 mph super-heated airblast encircling the globe.
  • Collect your cold weather wear to ride out the decade-long winter created by the sun being obstructed by atmospheric ash and smoke.  Temperatures could drop below freezing –even in the summer, pretty much everywhere– and because you’ll be without electricity or a natural gas supply for years to come, you’ll want to bundle up.
  • Keep your clothes and perishables in sealed plastic bags so they don’t get wet from the 800 meter-high tsunami that will destroy coastal communities worldwide.
  • Pack up a couple of week’s worth of canned and dry food items as well as bottles of water.  In doing so, you’ll keep yourself occupied and not worry yourself about the coming mass extinction event not seen since the end of the Permian some 250 million years ago.
  • Develop a family emergency plan so everyone will know where to meet under the shadow of their impending doom.

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FEMA says that by using this guide, you can improve the perception that you are doing something to make you and your loved ones safe.  Be sure to go to the fema.gov website and download the complete copy.

According to the website, the guide is expected to be available through December 21, 2012,  although there was no explanation as to why this particular date is important.

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JB Goodbody JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here.