The afternoons of hundreds of local sons, husbands, and boyfriends were tragically lost in a horrendous shopping spree that took place across the Chicago metro area on Sunday afternoon. The nightmare is reported to have begun around 11:00 in the morning, lasted throughout most of the day and didn’t end until well into the early evening.
Eyewitnesses report of men being dragged against their will by unknown female assailants into malls, shopping centers, and standalone Bed Bath & Beyonds throughout the region. The unidentified men were not set free until their captors’ demands of “just one more store” and “oh, I have to look for some shoes” had been met.
For most of the victims, the day started out like any other weekend day. Filled with hopes of barbecue and enjoying a baseball game on TV, they had no idea of the nightmare to come.
According to Detective Randall Thompson of the Chicago Police Department, when the day ended, the men were found in a state of shock, each with the look of hopelessness in their eyes and holding purses and shopping bags that their captors had forced them to carry.
“Just thinking about the extent of the destruction of these men’s precious time makes you wonder what sort of person would do something so awful as this,” Thompson said. “For these guys, this day can never be recovered. They will never get this time back. It is such a tragic loss.”
Police suspect that these men might have even known their assailants. Although the victims were in obvious distress and witnesses report that most of the victims were verbally uncooperative —often heard saying ‘I don’t want to be here’ and ‘please, can we go?’—, there was no evidence that the victims were constrained by ropes or chains in any way. It is unclear how they could have been so effectively controlled by these mysterious females.
Investigators believe that at any moment these men could have escaped. “. . .and yet they didn’t,” Thompson said. “Something about these women compelled them to do as they were told.
Thompson suspects there might be even been some sort of Stockholm Syndrome at play as bystanders witnessed that some men seemed to have been enjoying the day. “We won’t know until the FBI arrives and expands the investigation, but I seriously doubt anyone could have even tolerated this atrocity,” he said. ”I would guess they were faking compliance in order to end the ordeal as soon as possible.”
Unidentified survivor of shopping spree recovers
Already many of the men are being diagnosed with a form of post traumatic stress disorder caused by a severe and prolonged testosterone deprivation. Cook County Social Services personnel will be spending the next several days focusing on the painful process of getting these men back to their normal lives.
In the mean time, investigators are working diligently in attempts to understand the sad events that took place. Until then, the reasons why these men were specifically targeted and lost almost an entire day to this shopping rampage will remain a mystery.
JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here. 
