A resolution passed by the Homer Township board of trustees last week has mandated the immediate abandonment of all babies who are unable to speak English.
According to resolution author Steve Balich, the township’s clerk and a member of the local tea party group, “infants who are born in [our] township without the ability to communicate in God’s language” are a financial liability for taxpayers and must be deserted.
By ordering parents to prove their devotion to the motherland by throwing non-English speaking newborns in trash cans, dumping them in cornfields, or rolling them into drainage ditches, the township – which is located about 35 miles southwest of Chicago – has aligned itself with the state of Arizona, where the controversial Senate Bill 1070, which was signed into law in April, will require all babies who can’t speak English to be exterminated starting July 29 unless U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton blocks it.
“We’re not taking this as far as Arizona, of course, and we’re not trying to, you know, single out any particular type of baby or anything with this resolution,” Balich said as he leaned sideways and spat on a Latino infant that was slowly drowning in a nearby mud puddle. “Just the ones that pop out yammering away in Spanish.”
Trustee Vicki Bozen agreed with Balich, adding that the resolution was strictly aimed at “weeding out illegal babies” and not necessarily killing them outright.
“Rooftops are ideal locations to consider when you’re deciding where to abandon your child,” Bozen said. “When combined with the fierce heat we’re having this summer, rough asphalt shingles or that tarry blacktop they have on flat roofs can easily get hot enough to literally fry bacon.”
“What a great way to fix this problem,” she continued. “If only the rest of the country would notice our petty attention whoring and see how something as simple as exposing non-English speaking babies to the elements can resolve the growing threat against the language our nation was founded upon.”
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