After a two month circle-jerk of incompetence has left BP and the federal government still lacking solutions to the ongoing gulf oil spill, it seems that there is finally hope; and it resides in the form of the calorie-laden, heart-stopping weekend diet of a 29 year old beer-bellied bleacher bum named Jim.
Jim came to BP’s attention by chance, when a team of increasingly desperate engineers watching WGN noticed a mystery binge eater inhaling hot dogs in the center field stands of a recent Cubs game, while simultaneously cupping a bratwurst in his free palm, balancing nachos (extra cheese, extra jalapenos) on his knee, and cradling a 22 oz. Old Style between his thighs.
“As soon as I set eyes on him in those bleachers, I realized our solution had been right beneath our nose the entire time,” declared Isabelle Francis, a BP chemical specialist. “Heart Disease!”
According to Francis, after studying him for three consecutive Saturdays, scientists believe that by feeding the burst pipe a steady flow of Jim’s average weekend diet, they can concentrate enough animal fats around the tear to clog the pipe at the source of the spill. She says that the BP team is particularly focused on upping the pipe’s intake of cholesterol, triglycerides, and high-density lipoproteins (HDLs).
“Essentially, we want to feed this well hole such a lethal dose of bloody marys, pale ales, bacon egg & cheeses, tater tots, buffalo wings, choco tacos, Chipotle burritos, and late night lamb gyros, that we put this motherfucker into cardiac arrest,” Francis explained.
“By the way,” she added, ”it’s a miracle that Jim guy is still alive.”
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
Brilliant!
Bravo! Bravo! (Only suggestion: Jim needs to eat more bacon)
If more mainstream media had articles with intro’s like that, maybe our society wouldnt care as much about fucking lindsay lohan.
EG I thoroughly, thoroughly agree. If the NYT said circle jerk more often, we would have less need to know where Lindsay Lohan violated probation most recently
BP Successfully tests solution to Gulf Spill OSE II
BP will implement OSE II for the Gulf spill in early spring 2011
Testing of OSE II by Dr. Tsao of British Petroleum
David Tsao, Ph.D
BioChem Strike Team Leader; Deepwater Horizon
Regarding the Effectiveness of OSE II Remediating Oil from Deepwater Horizon, Blow Out, Gulf of Mexico
The major oil company British Petroleum tested OSEI Corporation’s product called Oil Spill Eater II (OSE II) at Louisiana State University from November 2010 through January 2011. Relevant sections of BP’s BCST (Bio Chem Strike Team) test results and summary “interim report” are attached.
British Petroleum formed a group named the Bio Chem Strike Team (BCST). Under the direction of Dr. Tsao, BCST was established in response to the Deepwater Horizon incident by the Alternative Response Technology (ART) program. The BCST consisted of experts from BP, LSU, LDEQ (Louisiana Department of Environmental Quality), USCG (U.S. Coast Guard), OSPR (California), SCAT, and highly experienced oil spill response consultants. Furthermore, BCST operated in conjunction with advice from EPA and NOAA.
OSE II was then slated for testing and the tests were started in November of 2010, and concluded in January of 2011. The tests were very thorough and measured several pertinent aspects in regards to remediating hydrocarbons/oil. The tests were conducted with Gas Chromatograph Mass Spectrometry EPA test procedures. Bacteria counts, as well as dissolved oxygen, nitrogen, and phosphorous levels were measured, and PAH and Alkane degradation was quantified.
The results from the tests of OSE II were excellent and demonstrated the statements we have made to BP regarding the effectiveness of the product as being factual.
OSE II showed a great ability in the closed laboratory test to be able to remediate PAH’s, as well as the Alkanes. In fact, by the conclusion of the testing time frame, OSE II had remediated 80% of both components of the oil released by BP which ended up in Bay Jimmy, Louisiana.
This test by a major oil company is the second major testing of OSE II on two of the largest spills on water in the history of planet Earth caused by Man. Exxon tested OSE II in 1989 at Florham Park, New Jersey and discovered OSE II was the most effective product in the world by a factor of better than 90% on the North Slope Alaskan Crude oil from the Valdez spill.
BP has now successfully tested OSE II on their spill in the Gulf of Mexico which is estimated, at this time, to be over 600,000,000 gallons of oil spilled.
Dr. Tsao wrote in his report “After nearly one year since the Deepwater Horizon spill, residual weathered oil remains in many locations. The need for a field trial to establish operational criteria for final bioremediation work plans should be initiated before early Spring 2011.”
The OSEI Corporation has alerted BP that, after over 16,000 spill clean ups in the past 21½ years, the logistics in regard to the successful application of OSE II were worked out some time ago.
The remediation of the PAH’s also verifies that OSE II is an extremely effective first response bioremediation product, and has among its many benefits:
) causes the oil to float which limits the negative toxic impact to the water column or ocean floor of the oil and dispersant
) the reduction of the adhesion properties so the oil cannot stick to birds, grass, rock or sand on shorelines
) the elimination of fire hazard
) proven non-toxic by the numerous formal toxicity tests, the fact that you can safely wash your hands with it, and the TV news program in which Retired Rear Admiral Lively drank some of it
) Boom deployment actually works and can help since OSE II causes oil to float
) OSE II causes the oil to float, because of the method in which it goes to work on the oil, it is still very difficult to see
) defined end point of turning the oil into water and CO2
The above clearly demonstrate that it is the best and only needed oil spill response and that it will, even at this late date, remediate both fresh and weathered oil and dispersant currently in the Gulf.
David Tsao, Ph.D
BioChem Strike Team Leader; Deepwater Horizon