Not even a year from an attention-seeking earthquake disaster, the country of Haiti today covered itself in unprocessed crude oil in the hopes of once again gaining the global spotlight. Haiti, so often the noncontributing Paris Hilton of the West Indies, has done nearly everything imaginable to gain shallow notice from the rest of the world.
Don't look, they just want attention.
The country boasts massive food and water shortages as well as the struggles of finding adequate shelter for residents numbering in the millions.
Earlier in the year, while exiting a car outside the New York celebrity suishi hub Nobu, photographers caught Haiti without underwear in an upskirt shot, and some rightly wondered whether the move was intentional.
Only weeks later, the fame floozy was connected with actor Sean Penn. Both Haiti and Penn denied they were dating, but onlookers at a Kardashian birthday party reported the two were getting “rather cozy” in the corner. “We’re just friends,” said Haiti. “He helped me out during a rough time.”
Still, critics say this latest move by Haiti, dousing itself in crude oil from the Gulf, is yet another attempt by the already slick country to become an even more affluent, Caribbean fame whore.
“Listen, we got it, okay?” says TMZ media analyst Ted Fiorentino. “Your country was destroyed by a natural disaster outside of your control, we got it. Your fifteen minutes are over. This oil thing is so transparent.”
Andy is a writer, comedian and human in the greater Chicagoland area. He enjoys writing, comedianing and humaning. His other endeavors includes jokes on 
2 Haitians walk into a bar.
It collapses.