A herd of dairy cows in unincorporated McHenry County staged a non-violent “milk-in” on Thursday to call attention to what they see as a rising trend of lactose intolerance across the country.
Chanting “Stop the hate, milk sugar is great!” and “Hey hey, ho ho, dairy haters have got to go!” the cows held up large placards and encouraged passing drivers to honk their horns in support.
According to reports, several million Americans suffer from an inability to digest the milk sugar lactose, which can lead to gastrointestinal discomfort, including bloating, cramps and diarrhea as well as an undeserved sense of entitlement. In recent years, an entire industry has arisen to cater to those deemed “lactose intolerant,” leading to hundreds of millions of dollars in sales.
“We can’t stand by while corporate America profits from such intolerance,” said Whinny, a four-year old Guernsey from nearby Wonder Cheese Farm and Market. “The makers of Lactaid should be tried for crimes against cowmanity!”
Along with chants, speeches and the ceremonial burning of an over-sized milk bucket, Thursday’s protest also featured a two-hour staged reading of “The Udder Dialogues” by animal playwright Moo Moo Milkshake.
Since lactose intolerance is believed to result from a combination of factors, including upbringing, genetics and dietary customs, it’s unclear what steps protesters can take to discourage it. As part of a recent “National Lactose Intolerance Awareness Day” held in Washington DC, dairy cows from around the country gathered on the steps of Capitol Hill to urge lawmakers to pass the “Lactose Acceptance and Ice Cream Subsidy Act”. While it’s expected that turning this bill into law will be difficult, the cows have already gained support from several high ranking Democrats.
“In the spirit of the great civil rights movement, the movement for equal rights for women, and the struggle for Adam Lambert to become the next American Idol, we intend to stand by our bovine brothers and sisters until they see justice,” said House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Intolerance of any kind is un-American!”
This article originally appeared on The Daily Blank.
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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