Following an admission that “We’re not perfect,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs was attacked and subsequently beheaded by an angry crowd of Apple devotees surprised and disillusioned by Jobs’ unexpected denial of omnipotence. In a scene reminiscent of Medieval Europe, the business magnate’s head was placed on a pike and paraded around Silicon Valley as a warning to other “thought leaders” who feign mastery of technology and perfect insight into the future.
“Steve Jobs was a god to us,” said ‘Buttercup’, a long-time user of Apple’s products as she picked through a puddle of the famous entrepreneur’s bloody entrails on a sidewalk outside the company’s campus. “But a real god would never make a defective cell phone antenna. A real god would never have to apologize. For the false hope he gave the world, he had to be put to death.”
The violent attack occurred during a press conference held on Friday morning at the company’s headquarters in Cupertino, California. The company, which Jobs helped to start in 1976, has recently been beset by complaints that its new iPhone 4 suffered from poor reception quality. While at first the company tried to play off these complaints as resulting from a minor software glitch, it finally admitted that a problem existed in the fundamental design of the phone’s antenna. Friday’s media event was intended as an opportunity to outline the company’s response to this embarrassing problem.
“It just happened so fast,” said one onlooker who wished to remain anonymous. “After he admitted that the new cell phone had problems, someone cut off all of the electricity to the building, plunging it into darkness. Suddenly, a mob wielding torches and pitchforks stormed into the auditorium and carried Jobs away. All we could find afterwards were his trademark wire-rim glasses, covered in blood.”
Ironically, the violence was captured on video by several onlookers using their iPhones. However, no arrests have been made yet because poor signal quality prevented these users from uploading the video to police.
“Who will lead us out of our tech wilderness now?” wondered a teary-eyed Veronica Black of Berkeley. “Have we crucified Biz Stone yet?”
Steve Jobs was 55. His familiar black turtleneck was 13.
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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