Al-Qaeda inadvertently accepts CIA’s Facebook friend request

In one of the most successful intelligence windfalls in years, the Central Intelligence Agency is celebrating its recent acquisition of crucial terrorist operational data and network connections obtained after becoming al-Qaeda’s friend on Facebook.

Why the international terrorist organization made such a tactical blunder in allowing the American spy agency into their inner circle is not entirely clear.  However, after a years-long intelligence stalemate, agency sources indicate that al-Qaeda surprisingly accepted the CIA’s friend request in early May of this year.

“It was a complete one in a million shot but we had exhausted all of our options” CIA spokesman, Paul Gimigliano said, “and after experiencing only modest intel gains over the years, we thought we’d just go for it and see what would happen.”

Gimigliano credits the Agency’s success to a recently hired data analyst who suggested a new social media battle front against international terror networks.  Acting on a whim, a request was sent in December to the Director of the Office of Terrorism Analysis for the establishment of a joint task force to click the “Add as Friend” button.

Five months later “Operation Evildoer Link” was launched and after four days of nail-biting anticipation, a message came through indicating that the secretive terrorist organization finally accepted the CIA as its Facebook friend.   As a result, the CIA was rewarded with a treasure trove of network connections, photo albums, friend lists, as well as likes and interests.

CIA officials were amazed at how easy it was to access the terror network’s inner friend circle but it soon became clear that the need for social acceptance was al-Qaeda’s achilles heel.

“As it turns out, they were friending anyone who would ask,” Gimigliano said. “I mean come on, who really has 4,000 friends?  We should have thought of this a long time ago.”

CIA analysts were able to get an even deeper understanding of the group’s nefarious enterprise by clicking the “info” button which revealed what activities al-Qaeda was into, its interests, where it went for training, and its favorite movies (none), music (none), and television shows (none).

Within days, the CIA exhausted their collection of data from al-Qaeda’s main wall page, quickly cataloguing who it was talking to, recent insurgency operations it attended, and its “liking” attacks on infidels by other terrorist groups.  Investigators then stumbled upon a much longer record of its reign of terror by discovering an “Older Posts” link at the bottom of the page.

“It just opened up a complete history of their operations,” Gimigliano said.  “As it turns out, they were actually involved in the 9-11 attacks after all. . .glad we were able to put that to rest.”

This release of operational information to western intelligence agencies has been devastating to its operations.   Before realizing it had been infiltrated and un-friended the CIA, Al-Qaeda found its leadership decimated and most of its large scale attack plans thwarted.  However, just as it has in the past, al-Qaeda will adjust and the CIA is preparing for that day.

Example of thwarted al-Qaeda operation

“Now that they’ve de-friended us, we’ll have to look for other sources of information,” said the CIA’s spokesman. “We hope we can get one of our agents to join a Yemini terrorist club on Meetup.com or something.”

Currently, the CIA is hoping al Zawahiri (al-Qaeda’s #2) will accept their recent LinkedIn connection request.

“It’s more of a business-oriented networking website. . .more professional,” Gimigliano said, “. . .so we don’t think he will suspect anything.”

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JB Goodbody JB Goodbody frequently has thoughts in his head that makes him smile. Were they made public at the moment they poofed into existence, without some form of structured outlet such as satire, these thoughts would cause significant distress among his friends, family and coworkers. This is why he is here.