The Texas Board of Education announced Monday that it will order new Bibles for Texas schools that remove all references to Jesus on the grounds that his teachings are “too liberal” for the classroom. The changes will likely impact Bibles sold throughout the U.S. because Texas buys more Bibles than any other state.
The board approved the changes in a 10 to 5 party-line vote with unanimous support from Republicans. Dr. Don McLeroy, a dentist and leader of the board’s conservative faction, said the changes were approved without any input from theologians, in keeping with the board’s practice of editing schoolbooks on its own and ignoring experts.
“I know there’s folks who will say we in Texas have no business teaching religion in the classroom, well frankly a bunch of ignorant zealots like us have no business meddling with textbooks either but that’s didn’t stop us from doing so,” McLeroy said. “Here in the republic of Texas we don’t give a lick what the rest of the country thinks, unless of course we need federal money or help with stuff like hurricanes.”
While the move to strike Jesus from the Bible took some board members by surprise, McLeroy said it was important to restore a sense of conservative balance to what he called “an awfully preachy book.”
“I finally sat down to read my Bible and you know what? Jesus told people to give all their money to the poor, hell that’s communism,” McLeroy said. “I thought for sure he would be telling us to stick our noses into everyone else’s business and hate those who are different. It turns out Jesus said you should love your enemies, what kind tree-hugging hippie crap is that?”
Many of the removed references to Jesus will be replaced with passages by conservative author Ayn Rand, known for her philosophy of objectivism. The theory contends that people should only look out for themselves and ignore the needs of others. The addition of Rand to the Bible was suggested by board member David Bradley, a conservative Republican.
“Ayn Rand said you should be selfish, look out for only your own happiness and not give a damn about the poor. She questioned whether we needed values at all,” Bradley said. “She must not have had any kids so it was easy to not care what kind of world they inherited, now that’s my kind of religion.”
Among the changes in the revised Bible, the story of Jesus feeding thousands of people with a few loaves of bread and a couple of fish was replaced with Rand stealing the food, eating it herself and then laughing at the starving masses around her. McLeroy predicted the new Bible would be a big hit with religious conservatives as they would now have a book that justifies their actions instead of conflicting with them.
“Rand was a strong supporter of individual liberty. As religious conservatives we’re supporters of individual liberty as well, namely my individual right to tell other individuals how to live their lives,” McLeroy said. “We support freedom for ourselves to live as we want and freedom for everyone else to do as we say.”
The move follows an earlier decision by the same board to approve highly edited history books that removed all references to Thomas Jefferson because he supported the separation of church and state. The changes also removed any reference made by the founding fathers that proved the U.S. was not founded as a Christian nation. References to the Atlantic slave trade were changed to “the Atlantic triangle trade.”
“Removing Thomas Jefferson from the history book makes it easier to pretend the U.S. was founded as a Christian nation. The founding fathers were adamant in their belief that the U.S. should be a nation for the freedom of religion, but not to favor one religion over any other,” McLeroy said. “After all, that’s the reason the pilgrims came here in the first place, to worship how they wanted and not have it forced on them. Now that we’ve removed these facts from the history book it’ll be a lot easier for us to spread misinformation and raise our kids to be as ignorant and closed-minded as we are.”
History book additions include the claim that Joseph McCarthy was right in his persecution of innocent Americans over alleged ties to communism, a section titled “liberals are always wrong” and three chapters declaring that Texas is “a kick-ass state.”
Marcus Manfred is an enigma. A simple and complex man who was raised by wolves in the lower upper part of the eastern west. He is more than you think and less than you know. He is the solution to every question you have ever asked, as long as the answer is three. 
Ayn Rand is so passe. I thought she had died years ago and now being resurrected and declared the Messiah? Yes, she did have one son and a lover she mentored. Her objectives were pure selfishness and ego-centric like her followers. I grew to hate her after getting soaked with Nathaniel Brandon’s magazine and writings. Come on, she is only dust in the wind, now. Texas is not the state I was born and raised in. What have they done to my country?
It was such a pleasure to help vote Don McLeroy out of office earlier this year. I crossed over to the Republican primary to vote against him and Governor Goodhair. Too bad we have to wait till after the general election to send McLeroy packing.
Now see here, Chicago Dope, I am Mary Magdalene reincarnated and I’ve been looking for my Sweet Jesus and you fools aren’t helping. I figured Texas was the place to search, but noooooo, Sheesh! Now, he’s probably hanging out with Mr Jefferson….thanks for nuthin’!
They can’t call themselves Christians if they remove Jesus’ words from the Bible. Are they f*cking crazy?!
^Disregard that. I didn’t notice the lack of truth on this website.
PLEEEEZE register GOP so as to get Palin/Romney for 2012. The debates alone will split your gut open! The “conservative” party ain’t!
Substituting Ayn Rand for Christ is like bring “The Postman” to life. Are we going to have to have an apocalypse before these people change their ways? As I recall, Jesus got mad at the moneychangers for getting people exchange rates for the Temple. What would HE think of people messing with the Word for the sake of putting in an anti-communistic philosophy. Come to think of it, once we finish melting the poles we should have enough of a rise in sea level to have a truly glorious flood. Then what are they going to say? That Jesus should have gone to a business school so that he could understand the nuances of the deal?
Arizona’s governer, Jan Brewer, was also reported in favor of this idea as she said the name Jesus in her state is pronounced Haysoos thus Jesus is an illegal alien, even if he is a Jew.
Meanwhile, aliens from Mars snickered at the idea as they sat perched atop the Pope Scope in Tucson, Arizona
Is it just me or did Stian Aune miss the point? Churchies tend to do that.
I liked this, right up to the moment you substituted Ayn Rand for Jesus. Her message for ME was, “if you create it, you have the right to decide what to sell it for.” And I can get behind that message – any idea from my brain IS mine, not yours, unless I share freely.
Other than that minor point, I thought it was a great parody. Anyone who has ever seen public reaction to Dennis Kucinich already know it’s inevitable that your story become fact though.
You do realize this has to be totally wrong… The article is obviously something to make conservatives look bad because Liberals have nothing else but lies… Very last few verses in the bible…Revelations 21: 18-21…(and if it is just sarcasm… beware of messing with the things of and about the bible….)
18For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
19And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.
20He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly. Amen. Even so, come, Lord Jesus.
21The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen.
Anyone who would be so stupid to remove Jesus from the bible is also taking our religion away.
What next? “Mohammed removed from Quran”? [**cough**]
I saw this tweeted and said “WTF?”. I was all riled up and ready to pundicate, cuz, well, its obvious. But, then I realized it was a spoof. The sad thing is there are people who would probably like the idea. Which is ironic. If Jesus was around today and ran for Prez of the US, he probably wouldnt get a single conservative vote.
Stupidity is easy; parody is hard. Living with these morons running things is even harder. Jesus hasn’t been given the Thomas Jefferson treatment yet, but the wing nuts did decide to stop teaching elementary school kids that food, clothing and shelter are basic human needs. Here are a couple of bright women who are hoping to change this mess.
This is hilarious. Reading the comments of people who apparently think it’s genuine is just the icing on the cake.
cute, but a terribly one-sided presentation. we could cherry-pick verses like this to make Jesus look VERY different:
“”He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me, scatters.”
Luke 11:23
“”If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters–yes, even his own life–he cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26
“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6
or the parable of the talents (Matthew 25) where when one servant takes the master’s talent and buries it rather than making a profit on it the master who represents God comes back and says this:
“28″ ‘Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. 29For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’”
sounds far more like a free market than socialism to me….even a bit like Ann Raynd
of course, i have just done the opposite, picking verses that countered the ones used in this blog….but the point is that this isn’t near as simple as people think and Jesus was not a peace and love hippy wearing a tie dyed robe an telling everyone that they were just fine and everything was going to be ok. he told people to follow him or face hell….and that message doesn’t exactly fit the politics of the left any more than the other verses brought forth fits the politics of the right.
I know this is satire, and it IS kinda funny, but if anyone really believes that the fictional character Jesus’ ghost-written “teachings” are too liberal, they haven’t read the entire New Testic…errr…I mean Testament. He was just as macho, vindictive, and nasty as his fictional other self/father.
Breaking News: Jeebus is a myth specifically crafted for ignorant nomads living in abject poverty and fear some 2 to 3000 years ago in the deserts of the Middle East. If you believe this ludicrous myth in any way, you’re ignorance exceeds even their’s. Look how it has worked out for them.
‘references to Jesus will be replaced with passages by conservative author Ayn Rand, known for her philosophy of objectivism. The theory contends that people should only look out for themselves and ignore the needs of others.’
- These are the tenets of Satanism – look it up it’s clear as day!
It’s no wonder America is being judged by wild fires, droughts, floods and more – this is the wrath of God being incurred here.
Who the hell is Ayn Rand that her filth should sit next to the eternal Word of The Lord Jesus Christ? America is currently poised on the edge of the abyss – soon to fall beyond the hope of salvation.
Watch your news – as USA turns further and further from their Christian roots – the disasters in that country will get worse and worse!
We are living in the ‘Signs of the Times’ prophecied by Jesus in the Olivet Discourse in Matthew 24 – if you don’t believe it now, you will soon!
Hi there, constantly i used to check blog posts here in the early hours in
the daylight, since i enjoy to gain knowledge of more
and more.
Also visit my website :: short term loans
Its like you read my thoughts! You seem to understand so much approximately this, such as
you wrote the guide in it or something. I think that you simply can do with some % to power the message home a little bit, but other than that, that is wonderful blog. A great read. I will definitely be back.
Also visit my weblog Katherina