Daley scolds gun owners: ‘You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!’

During a press conference at City Hall on Friday, Mayor Richard M. Daley outlined his response to Chicago citizens interested in purchasing a handgun following the Supreme Court’s recent decision asserting Second Amendment rights at the state and local level:

“You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”

The Mayor’s sophisticated reasoning is expected to provide the legal basis for a complicated set of ordinances designed to discourage widespread gun ownership in the city. Among the rules being considered include mandatory gun training, limits on the number of guns that may be owned by a single household and a citywide prohibition against Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifles.

“Even if grizzlies have been reported near Pulaski’s candy store, this is no excuse to have a lot of dangerous weapons on the street,” Daley said.

While the Supreme Court decision is seen by many as a victory for individual rights, city officials fear that if legally-purchased guns fall into the hands of criminals, Chicago could be swept with a wave of people getting their eyes shot out, including police officers, paramedics and firefighters.

“Have you ever tried to put out a fire with only one eye?” Daley asked. “It’s harder than listening to a bunch of chinamen sing Christmas carols.”

A number of the Mayor’s colleagues expressed support for his legal position.

“Most people forget that the Mayor served as a lawyer for several years before moving to City Hall,” explained Alderman Scut Farkus. “For example, when critics accused him of overstepping his authority by single-handedly closing down Meigs Field in 2003, he simply explained that he had been triple-dog-dared to do so.   What could they say? This man knows the law.”

Although the discussion of the Supreme Court ruling dominated much of Friday’s press conference, the Mayor also took the opportunity to unveil the theme for this year’s Chicago Wellness Week:

“Be Sure To Drink Your Ovaltine!”

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Mitchell Snyder Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles. Send hate mail to mitchell.snyder@thechicagodope.com