BP vows to halt spread of information

Oil giant BP announced Tuesday it hopes to have a massive information spill in the Gulf of Mexico up to 90 percent contained within a matter of weeks. Ever since a BP oil rig, the Deepwater Horizon, exploded and sank in April, the company’s stock has plummeted as it struggled to keep information about the spill from getting out.

BP CEO Tony Hayward said the company immediately implemented its emergency information containment plan.

In stark contrast to its oil containment plan, he said the company had planned ahead on how to contain information and keep the public and the government in the dark.

“Our oil containment plan was grossly inadequate. It was a pack of lies that included the contact information of dead people and ways of protecting walruses, which anyone knows don’t exist in the Gulf of Mexico,” Hayward said. “We thought we could do much better with containing information instead, and that’s been our focus.”

As examples of the company’s efforts, he noted that the company lied about the amount of oil being released, at first claiming it was only a few thousand barrels per day. It initially refused to release video of the spill and hid the fact that it had higher quality footage that would’ve made it easier for experts to estimate the flow of oil.

The company’s initial response to the spill itself involved spraying the toxic chemical Corexit to make the oil sink below the ocean’s surface where the oil and the chemicals would still damage wildlife, but humans wouldn’t see it. Corexit is banned in Britain because of its toxicity to humans and animals.

“It would’ve been more effective to contain the oil and remove it from the surface, but that’s really expensive and it would’ve made people more aware of how much oil we had spilled. That’s why we tried to make it sink. I know other chemical dispersants would’ve been more effective and less harmful to the environment but BP has a stake in the company that makes Corexit,” Hayward said. “In that sense, we paired our economic concerns with our need to cover up the spill. Unfortunately, someone found out about this. We promise we’ll do better at restricting that kind of information from now on.”

He said the company was having far greater success in failing to protect cleanup workers and restricting access to them by the media. BP officials tried to keep reporters from entering a public beach and threatened to have them arrested. When reporters ignored these threats, BP officials yelled at their employees to not talk to the media.

“I’m happy to say that reports of these types of incidents haven’t been much noticed by the public, so I’d say that information is nearly contained. Our cleanup crews have mostly been too afraid to talk to the media or complain,” Hayward said. “That’s going to help us keep people from knowing that we won’t allow our cleanup crews from wearing protective gear, even if they buy it themselves.”

When cleanup crews became sick BP tried to blame their illnesses on food poisoning, even though medical experts said otherwise. Hayward said the company has a team of company physicians devising other excuses for sick employees, which he said is cheaper than simply providing its cleanup crews with the necessary equipment or giving them medical treatment.

In addition to containing information, Hayward said the company is also using disinformation being spread by Republicans and Fox News to dilute the public’s knowledge of the spill.

“Fortunately for us we have corporate shills like Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rush Limbaugh, Fox News and the rest of the GOP reading our talking points and running interference for us,” Hayward said. “They tell people that it’s wrong to criticize us for our mistakes or to hold us accountable. How they manage to say that with a straight face is beyond me. Oh wait, is this conversation on the record? Oh dammit.”

Related Posts:

About the Author

Marcus Manfred Marcus Manfred is an enigma. A simple and complex man who was raised by wolves in the lower upper part of the eastern west. He is more than you think and less than you know. He is the solution to every question you have ever asked, as long as the answer is three.