GOOD MORNING – There’s nothing quite like rolling out of bed, brewing a pot of fresh coffee, and opening the newspaper to read about a car that was completely destroyed by fire a few hours earlier. Especially when you connect the explosion and screams you heard outside at 5 a.m. with the front-page picture of a fiery sunrise and your new Audi engulfed in flames.
If you’re like me, you immediately run outside to see if you can strip any valuables from the smoking corpses on the street. But then again, if you’re like me you would’ve just flipped straight to the obituaries section in the first place and missed out on the feature story altogether.
Here at the Dope, we don’t want anyone to miss out on important stories or opportunities to file insurance claims. While we firmly believe that it’s good to know who is and isn’t dead (although only rich relatives actually matter), we are passionate about keeping our readers on top of the most relevant and hottest topics as soon as the news breaks, or whenever our writers show up to the office for work. Yes, we have an office. Also, I was lying about the office.
Since November 3, 1948 – the last time the Tribune ran a decent story – most news articles have consisted of bullshit nobody cares about anymore, like celebrities, or those pointless wars over in Iraq and Afstanigan or whatever.
We may be piss-poor because of Congress’s bizarre money mismanagement fetish, but we still have access to a wealth of information. If you hear it from the Dope, then you can be sure you’ve got the straightest story. Unless we’re making fun of conservative bigots; in that case, all the closeted homosexuality will turn our writing gay.
Just read our stories. We’re unbiased, uncensored, and completely uninhibited. Other newspapers give their readers whatever they think will sell copies, like porn, but the Dope gives you what actually happens. All the juicy details, no annoying juice stains.
Now show us money so we can get this fucker off the ground. You can donate by flicking a booger at your screen. Thanks.
brandt stepped out of apartment one day got hit by untouchable tours bus wrote sad sad sonnet about it developed writing addiction started blog stopped it started it again then stopped it developed whiskey addiction flew on plane to brazil to live in jungle and find meaning of life found dead guy flew back to chicago freelanced for awhile wrote some satire smoked cigar got job and settled down like frog legs in hot frying pan
