On Thursday, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) unveiled its list of “underwear of interest” for passengers boarding domestic or U.S.-bound aircraft. The announcement marks the latest in a series of enhanced security measures crafted in response to the attempted Christmas Day bombing of Northwest Flight 253.
That incident occurred when Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the “Underwear Bomber”, stitched 80 grams of the highly explosive chemical compound PETN and a syringe into his boxer shorts then snuck his junk through Amsterdam airport security. The plane averted crisis when the compound failed to properly detonate. As result, rather than blowing a hole in the plane’s hull, the device simply set fire to the would-be terrorist’s crotch, adding significant insult to injury.
Nevertheless, the TSA has acted swiftly to address process and system failures that contributed to the security breach. On Tuesday, they put forward their list of “countries of interest”, including Afghanistan, Pakistan and Yemen. Passengers traveling from these countries will automatically be subject to secondary screenings. Now, with the help of advanced image detection equipment, passengers sporting “underwear of interest” will also be searched under the same set of guidelines.
“Listen, Abdulmutallab’s choice of underwear was integral to his plan of attack,” explained John Brennan, Deputy National Security Adviser (NSA) to the President for Homeland Security and Counter-terrorism. “This guy didn’t just strap on a pair of whitey-tighteys from the T.J. Maxx bargain bin in order to blow up an airliner. He carefully researched and selected a pair of slim fit boxers that he knew could comfortably support a highly combustible explosive device and its trigger, as well as two balls and a penis. The choice was not random.”
According to TSA spokesperson Jennifer Harrison, since the attempted attack nearly two weeks ago, analysts in the NSA office have been feverishly reviewing both popular and obscure forms of underwear in order to identify potentially dangerous styles and brands.
“Our team has dived headlong into the underwear world,” said Harrison. “We have reviewed Victoria’s Secret catalogs going back fifteen years. We have attended couture runway shows to get a fuller sense of where destructive items might find storage space in various underwear, either along the hips, in the grundle or between the ass cheeks. In some cases, our junior people have even volunteered to act as live dummies. We have been completely dedicated to leaving no panty or drawer unturned.”
As result of their audit, the NSA released their “underwear of interest” list to TSA personnel worldwide. Among the underwear flagged for automatic secondary screening are: all forms of boxer shorts; most standard boxer-briefs; cloth-heavy “granny panties”; and the sexier and increasingly popular “hanky pankies”.
“As a basic rule of thumb, if you want to avoid a frisk, keep the fabric to a minimum,” Brennan concluded. “For men, rock a pair of old school briefs. For ladies, we certainly encourage thongs for security purposes. And of course, whenever possible, go commando.”
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This article was originally featured on The Daily Blank.
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
Chandler, I want to see your underwear.
Who says I’m wearing underwear Moll Bate?
This could go the other way for some guys. Some will become excited when they learn they can experience the ‘invasive pat down’, enter the airport’s secured area, then leave the area and return again, over and over until flight time. It amounts to – Touch my junk. Touch my junk. Touch my junk. (Breathe heavy.) Touch my junk.
Got it, guys?