Thursday morning, a minor public transportation disruption occurred when a physically unattractive person boarded and rode the CTA Brown Line, preferred commuter for Chicago’s most primped and pretty yuppies. This was the first reported instance of a physically unattractive person riding the Brown Line since 2004, and just the 17th such incident since Lincoln Park’s 1960s gentrification.
At this point, the identity of the physically unattractive person remains unknown. Sources close to the CTA report that eyewitnesses believe the intruder was a woman, though the gender has not yet been confirmed.
The incident occurred when a physically unattractive person boarded a southbound Brown Line train at the Fullerton Avenue stop at 7:42 Thursday morning. The person in question remained onboard for nearly 13 minutes before disembarking at the Merchandise Mart, one stop north of the downtown Loop.
Though nobody was hurt during the encounter, passengers who shared the car with the physically unattractive rider expressed their shock at the terribly unusual incident.
Smoking-hot Lincoln Park resident Hannah Westin joined the same car as the physically unattractive customer after boarding at the Armitage Avenue stop, Chicago’s sexiest.
“When I got on board, everything was silent, and I could tell something weird was going on. Then I noticed the ugly person sitting there,” Westin said. “He/she wasn’t bothering anyone, but it was just so shocking. I know it was rude to stare, but it was like a car accident, I just couldn’t turn away.”
Russell Morgan, a 26 year old bank employee from Old Town, was also among the passengers.
“I’ve taken the Blue Line to O’Hare a couple times, so it’s not like I don’t know what physically unattractive people look like on a train,” Morgan said. “But to see it on the Brown Line is a shock. You get on the train in the morning expecting to see skirt suits, high heels and pearls, not someone whose face reminds you of a high school ceramics project.”
Fearing a public relations crisis that might drive morning Brown Line customers to cabs, CTA officials quickly responded to this morning’s events. Within hours of the incident, Carole L. Brown, Chairman of the Chicago Transit Board, issued a statement.
“What transpired this morning—while unfortunate—should not in any way change how our physically attractive customers view us,” Brown said. “With our many other train and bus options, we have tried in earnest to provide our ugly customers with sufficient public transportation options so that our pretty people can commute in exclusive comfort. We stand by our record, but remain focused on keeping our Brown and Purple lines ugly-free.”
A full report on the incident is scheduled to be made available on the CTA website Monday.
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This article was originally featured on The Daily Blank.
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
