It seems that Conservative “tea baggers” aren’t the only citizens protesting stimulus spending these days: On Tuesday, dozens of Bucktown residents banded together to voice their objection to the construction of a new playground near the intersection of Damen Avenue and Homer Street.
The community playground, which is being funded with the Federal Government’s “stimulus” money, has been identified as a “shovel-ready” project by city urban planning authorities and is aiming to serve the needs of the growing number of young families living in Chicago’s notoriously trendy western neighborhood.
However, scores of discontented hipsters claim that the playground is hardly as innocuous an addition to their neighborhood as it might appear. In fact, they say it fundamentally threatens to undermine the “family unfriendly” moral fabric that binds their community. They say that the playground is just another example of the government using heavy deficit spending to impose its mainstream sensibilities on their “edgy” “avant-garde” community.
“Whatever happened to Federalism?” asked Theo Moss, an excited 27 year old Bucktown resident in tight jeans and goofy sunglasses. “Wasn’t this country founded on the premise that small communities should define their own way of life? Wasn’t the Federal Government supposed to keep their nose out of local business? If you ask me, they can take their stimulus dollars and shove them to Ravenswood! At least they want playgrounds!”
According to Moss, protesting the playground is a matter of protecting important values. He asserts that a continued influx of young kids and their parents will inevitably result in a neighborhood culture war, a war the hispters are ready to fight and win.
“Things that are important to us just don’t matter to them,” Moss said. “They don’t listen to 70s British punk rock. They don’t pretend to know about postmodern art. They don’t have crushes on Ethan Hawke. They don’t wear fedoras. And, most importantly, they don’t congratulate themselves for the sacrifices they make to lead an ‘alternative’ lifestyle. How can I share a neighborhood with people like that?”
Others agree that integrating these disparate cultures could cast Bucktown into a precarious state.
“Listen, this is our neighborhood. We don’t want playgrounds and shouldn’t be forced to have them,” said Teresa Sullivan, a 26 year old woman wearing a $29 “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” Urban Outfitters t-shirt. “I don’t mean to sound like a bigot, but playgrounds bring kids and we got no room for kids around these parts.”
“Kids need schools….Well we’re too cool for school,” Moss concluded.
The hipsters do say, however, that they will reconsider if the park is named in honor of any of their following heroes: Che Guevera, The Smiths, melancholy, or Steve Jobs.
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This article was originally featured on The Daily Blank.
Growing up outside of Cleveland, Ohio, Chandler formed a youthful and lasting love for sports, politics, comedy and melted cheese (full disclosure). The Chicago Dope is where his four loves often converge. He hopes you think this site is as dope as he does. 
