Just in time for the lazy days of summer, the SyFy channel will be broadcasting a new mini-series entitled “Stephen King’s The List,” based on a shopping list written by the master of horror.
The six hour mini-series, co-written by Jack Perez (“Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus”) and Sebastian Gutierrez (“Snakes on a Plane”), tells the story of Timmy Walker, a young boy living in fictional Castle Rock, Maine during the 1950s. While on a visit to a haunted grocery store, he discovers that every time he puts an item into his shopping cart, a friend or family member is brutally murdered by a malevolent entity known only as ‘Mr. Sundries’. The film stars newcomer David Atkins as Timmy, Michael Madsen as Timmy’s father, Virginia Madsen as Mrs. Walker, Tom Skerritt as the local sheriff and Tim Curry as Bickles, the evil clown.
“Making a movie out of a shopping list was actually much easier than some other projects I’ve worked on,” said co-writer Perez. “For example, with ‘Mega Shark’, we were just given the title of the movie and told to include a role for Debbie Gibson. At least in this case, we knew the story somehow had to involve laundry detergent, a gallon of whole milk and a bag of bite-sized Snickers bars.”
Of course, it doesn’t hurt that the list in question was authored by one of the pre-eminent thrill masters of all time.
“In Hollywood, everyone knows that anything even remotely related to Stephen King is gold,” said producer Cheryl-Lee Fast (”NYC: Tornado Terror”). “While it’s true that he sued our production company to try to prevent us from calling the movie ‘Stephen King’s The List,’ our handwriting analysis proves, without a doubt, that the same hand that penned the legendary ‘Carrie’ and ‘The Green Mile’ is also the creative genius behind this document.”
According to legal experts, once an item is formally discarded, it is no longer the property of its original owner. The shopping list, discovered in a dumpster behind Shaw’s Supermarket in Bangor, Maine, is written in black ink and includes such items as batteries, air fresheners and one pint of chicken blood for the author’s ventriloquist dummy, Tilly.
When contacted, King’s spokesperson Gerald Rattner issued the following response:
“Stephen King expressly disavows any creative involvement in this project and is deeply disappointed that the SyFy Channel has decided to air ‘The List’. In protest, we urge anyone who has even a passing interest in legitimate artistic endeavors to dump their television set immediately into the nearest vintage, man-eating laundry machine they can find.”
This article was originally published in The Daily Blank.
Mitchell Snyder is a fully-licensed and bonded International Man of Parody. He's also the alter-ego for a business professional who can't stop listening to the funny voices in his head. He became a card-carrying member of Chicago's comedy-industrial complex when he started performing stand-up early in 2009, and has since branched out into writing satire articles.
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Genius I tell you! Sheer genius!!