God stepped down from the position of Eternal Creator of the Universe today following the discovery of an anti-gay statement attributed to Him in the Hebrew Scriptures. This follows on the heels of a similar resignation earlier this week by the editor of a student newspaper at The University of Notre Dame that published a cartoon making light of violence towards homosexuals.
The statement in question comes from Leviticus 20:13, which states:
“If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death.”
Melissa Standish, a spokesperson with the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, condemned the passage, stating “This advocacy of anti-gay violence must stop. It doesn’t matter if the speaker is some crazed right-wing fanatic or the Alpha and Omega of All Living Things. Frankly, I’m amazed it took over twenty-five hundred years for this injustice to be noticed.”
During a press conference held on Mount Sinai, the prophet Ezekiel said “The Lord is truly sorry for any pain He has caused. As a gesture of reconcillation, it will begin to literally rain men tomorrow afternoon on the corner of 18th and Castro Streets in San Francisco.”
Ezekiel also stated, “Let it be known that God completely supports woman-on-woman sexual activity. In fact, He can’t get enough of that hot lesbian action!”
Although not specifically addressed in God’s apology, this announcement is also seen as a victory for men who have sex with any or all of the following: their step-mothers, their sisters, their daughters-in-law, their mothers-in-law, their aunts, menstruating women and/or animals.
At press time, the remaining two members of the Holy Trinity were unavailable to comment. According to sources, God’s son, Jesus, was en route to Lubbock, Texas, to imprint His image on a slice of toast while the Holy Spirit was preoccupied with answering the 58,493rd prayer requesting that Paula Abdul appear as a judge on Simon Cowell’s new television program, “The X-Factor”.
Until God’s successor can be named, His duties will be performed by an interim committee including the Archangel Michael, Eric Clapton and that guy who holds the “John 3:16″ signs at professional sporting events.
This article was originally published in The Daily Blank.